I think my life began to go down when my parents got divorced,,i was only a year old but it still affected me. although i had a wonderful childhood despite my father not being in my life it still stuck with me and as i got old enough to understand that my life was totally diffrent from all my friends i think that was the point i began to question my whole exsistence. i rememeber being little and wondering where my daddy was,,why wasnt he here for my birthdays or holidays or hell even to tuck me in at night,,my mom and grandparents always told me he was at work far away and he would be home one day so there i was sitting by the window day after day before i went to bed wishing that this would be the day,,the day my daddy came home to me. that day never came,,i was 16 by the time i met my father and lets just say an angry teenager being forced from her home, friends and boyfriend to go spend the summer with a man she ddnt know and a family who i only spent limited time with my whole life didnt make for a great meeting,,now i knew i wasnt the best kid but i def didnt think i desevered being abandoned by the only ppl in my life i knew for a whole summer in a state i knew nothing about ,, so after a week of fighting tooth and nail,tears and begging my mom to take me home she left and i was MAD. lets just say that my angery teenagerness went to a whole nother level at that point and i swore that by the following sunday i WOULD be home and surprise surprise i got my way. i was just a mean kid then and i dont regret it at all. i got tired of the me me me attitude i was getting from the man i just met as my dad and thought well once i was born u asshole it stopped being about you and was all about me and you left,,you chose drugs, other women and drinking over me,,not one dime of child support or bday cards or even a letter my whole life AND you started a whole new family and had 3 kids whom i knew nothing about (and still dont "know" to this day) so why should i spend my time getting to know you when you didnt spend one sec of my life trying to get to know me,,i froze him out for a long time and well the anger just got worse and i rebelled.
i really think the whole anger thing began a little before that point when my grandfather passed away in 1992,,he was my "dad", my rock and best friend. i loved spending time with him being the tomboy i was and him being the army guy he was it was a blast being with him. i loved his stories,,how he would take me everywhere with him,,learning golf from him,,shit i loved that man to death for real! i was 12 and it was our summer trip we took EVERY year and my grandparents decided to surprise me and take me to disney world,,my grandfather had diabetes and always took care of himself but a few days before we left he got a rock stuck in his shoe and it burrowed its way into his foot giving him an infection and well if you know anything about diabetes that was not a good thing. still being the man he was he didnt want to dissapoint me and we packed up and off we went. the trip took a turn once we got to South Carolina,,my grandpa wasnt feeling well at all but still we drove on, we hit South of the boarder and we stopped to look around for a hotel and thats when he passed out,, i was so scared but he said he was just tired and had to rest,,24 hours later we were on our way home and a day later he ended up in the hospital. he was in and out of the hospital for abt a month and i started school,,well weeks went by of him being sick finally he got so sick he had to be admitted into mary immacualte hospital and i was so sad,,praying and praying and praying that god wouldnt take him from us,,2 weeks after he went into thw hospital he died and my world stopped,,i will NEVER forget the day,,it was picture day of eigth grade and i got woken up to the sounds of my mom crying and all i remember is walking to her bedroom door looking at her face and standing there screaming NOOOOO,,, the next 2 years of my life is blurry,,,i shut down big time,,i questioned my faith and hated god for a long time. that day shaped me and not in a good way i lost the man who was my dad my rock my only male support i had and i took it out on everyone.
when i hit high school i was just an awkward pile who had no clue who she was and well i quickly decided i didnt care what ppl thought of me and i was gonna do what i wanted when i wanted and how i wanted and i think 10th grade was the deciding factor for me cuz thats when i met my husband. PJ was the ish back then,,so cute and sexy and little did i know then a huge dog lol i mean ladies man was an understatement for him but i fell hard for him,,he had a lot of my grandfathers qualities and later inlife i figured out alot of my dads too but i didnt care he was my man and he was gonna be my man,,i ahd to deal with alot of hoe and bitches but i always came out on top so i didnt care,,,self esteem issues ya think ;) ,,,and well after ALOT of high school bullshit he decided he did want to be with me and our life began,,then surprise surprise a few years later there i was 19 and preggo.................this is where my now life begins and this post ends,, dont worry there is alot more drama so stay tuned :)
No comments:
Post a Comment