Well yesterday was my 34th birthday and it felt like anyother day to me,,,aside from the fact I got to control the tv remote :). I woke up expecting to feel older but nothing just nothing,,and for an hour or so I was actually into the concept of my bday and that got squashed real quick the second I walked into to work and got fussed out for trying to celebrate my day by wearing a bday sash. I normally dont let stuff affect me as much as that did but it really ruined my day so there I was standing in a funk trying to smile and take care of my customers but I just wasn't feeling it at all but damn if I didn't plaster a big old plastic smile on my face and finish my day and noone even knew it was anyother day than a normal Friday in out hood .
All in all my bday has become a very bittersweet day in my life since my 28th bday cuz that was the last bday I spent with my mom and she died about a month later from a sudden heart attack at work. Then 2 years after that my gma passed away and other than my husband and son it hit me I have no family to celebrate with anymore,,,depressing yes but I try not to let it overcome me even as much as I want it too. This year though this year it won,,,another year older and a lot more wiser,,wiser to the fact that I need to move on and find me again,,wiser to the fact that its not healthy to allow myself to wallow in this depression anymore so as my sollum vow to myself I won't let it happen anymore I will get Teresa back and get her back with a vengence ok late 30s be prepared I'm commin for ya !!!!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Another year older
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
the 14yr old blues
i cant believe i have a 14yr old sometimes,,it feels like yesterday i was holding him after he was born and just in awe of how beautiful and amazing he was,,now im just in awe i have such an amazing kid. He's in 9th grade has a 4.0 gpa, plays baseball, loves his friends (and the girls but he wont admit that to me) and loves his family. He is by far the best thing that ever happened to me,,lets just say my life before him wasnt on the best path ever i mean i wasnt a druggie or hooker or anything but i wasnt the best person either, but the sec i looked into his eyes my whole life made sense,,,i was meant to be his mommie and he was meant to be my angel my savior.
As the years have gone bye i have loved watching him grow into the young man he is so loving, caring, helpful and never gives us trouble,,,i dunno how i got such an amazing kid god def blessed me and his daddy big time. It hit me yesterday that in 4 or so years my role of mommy and provider will drastically change,,he will be spreading his wings and going out into the world to find is own way and while i know whatever he does i wi be proud it kinda hurts that it will be over,,,ive loved every sec of being his mom and while i look foreward to watching ever sec of his adult life unfold i cant help but think of the first time i met him June 30th and looked into those eyes and fell inlove with my babyboy. *sigh* i guess u can say i have the 14yr old blues.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Welcome to my world
I figured out when i was little that writing was the only way to get out my anger, sadness and happiness and i had diaries, journals and doodle pages but thru out all ive been thru the past few years i kinda let go of my writing so now its time to free my thoughts and start gettin my happy back. so read or dont i dont care either way cuz this is more for me than anyone else...
I think my life began to go down when my parents got divorced,,i was only a year old but it still affected me. although i had a wonderful childhood despite my father not being in my life it still stuck with me and as i got old enough to understand that my life was totally diffrent from all my friends i think that was the point i began to question my whole exsistence. i rememeber being little and wondering where my daddy was,,why wasnt he here for my birthdays or holidays or hell even to tuck me in at night,,my mom and grandparents always told me he was at work far away and he would be home one day so there i was sitting by the window day after day before i went to bed wishing that this would be the day,,the day my daddy came home to me. that day never came,,i was 16 by the time i met my father and lets just say an angry teenager being forced from her home, friends and boyfriend to go spend the summer with a man she ddnt know and a family who i only spent limited time with my whole life didnt make for a great meeting,,now i knew i wasnt the best kid but i def didnt think i desevered being abandoned by the only ppl in my life i knew for a whole summer in a state i knew nothing about ,, so after a week of fighting tooth and nail,tears and begging my mom to take me home she left and i was MAD. lets just say that my angery teenagerness went to a whole nother level at that point and i swore that by the following sunday i WOULD be home and surprise surprise i got my way. i was just a mean kid then and i dont regret it at all. i got tired of the me me me attitude i was getting from the man i just met as my dad and thought well once i was born u asshole it stopped being about you and was all about me and you left,,you chose drugs, other women and drinking over me,,not one dime of child support or bday cards or even a letter my whole life AND you started a whole new family and had 3 kids whom i knew nothing about (and still dont "know" to this day) so why should i spend my time getting to know you when you didnt spend one sec of my life trying to get to know me,,i froze him out for a long time and well the anger just got worse and i rebelled.
i really think the whole anger thing began a little before that point when my grandfather passed away in 1992,,he was my "dad", my rock and best friend. i loved spending time with him being the tomboy i was and him being the army guy he was it was a blast being with him. i loved his stories,,how he would take me everywhere with him,,learning golf from him,,shit i loved that man to death for real! i was 12 and it was our summer trip we took EVERY year and my grandparents decided to surprise me and take me to disney world,,my grandfather had diabetes and always took care of himself but a few days before we left he got a rock stuck in his shoe and it burrowed its way into his foot giving him an infection and well if you know anything about diabetes that was not a good thing. still being the man he was he didnt want to dissapoint me and we packed up and off we went. the trip took a turn once we got to South Carolina,,my grandpa wasnt feeling well at all but still we drove on, we hit South of the boarder and we stopped to look around for a hotel and thats when he passed out,, i was so scared but he said he was just tired and had to rest,,24 hours later we were on our way home and a day later he ended up in the hospital. he was in and out of the hospital for abt a month and i started school,,well weeks went by of him being sick finally he got so sick he had to be admitted into mary immacualte hospital and i was so sad,,praying and praying and praying that god wouldnt take him from us,,2 weeks after he went into thw hospital he died and my world stopped,,i will NEVER forget the day,,it was picture day of eigth grade and i got woken up to the sounds of my mom crying and all i remember is walking to her bedroom door looking at her face and standing there screaming NOOOOO,,, the next 2 years of my life is blurry,,,i shut down big time,,i questioned my faith and hated god for a long time. that day shaped me and not in a good way i lost the man who was my dad my rock my only male support i had and i took it out on everyone.
when i hit high school i was just an awkward pile who had no clue who she was and well i quickly decided i didnt care what ppl thought of me and i was gonna do what i wanted when i wanted and how i wanted and i think 10th grade was the deciding factor for me cuz thats when i met my husband. PJ was the ish back then,,so cute and sexy and little did i know then a huge dog lol i mean ladies man was an understatement for him but i fell hard for him,,he had a lot of my grandfathers qualities and later inlife i figured out alot of my dads too but i didnt care he was my man and he was gonna be my man,,i ahd to deal with alot of hoe and bitches but i always came out on top so i didnt care,,,self esteem issues ya think ;) ,,,and well after ALOT of high school bullshit he decided he did want to be with me and our life began,,then surprise surprise a few years later there i was 19 and preggo.................this is where my now life begins and this post ends,, dont worry there is alot more drama so stay tuned :)
I think my life began to go down when my parents got divorced,,i was only a year old but it still affected me. although i had a wonderful childhood despite my father not being in my life it still stuck with me and as i got old enough to understand that my life was totally diffrent from all my friends i think that was the point i began to question my whole exsistence. i rememeber being little and wondering where my daddy was,,why wasnt he here for my birthdays or holidays or hell even to tuck me in at night,,my mom and grandparents always told me he was at work far away and he would be home one day so there i was sitting by the window day after day before i went to bed wishing that this would be the day,,the day my daddy came home to me. that day never came,,i was 16 by the time i met my father and lets just say an angry teenager being forced from her home, friends and boyfriend to go spend the summer with a man she ddnt know and a family who i only spent limited time with my whole life didnt make for a great meeting,,now i knew i wasnt the best kid but i def didnt think i desevered being abandoned by the only ppl in my life i knew for a whole summer in a state i knew nothing about ,, so after a week of fighting tooth and nail,tears and begging my mom to take me home she left and i was MAD. lets just say that my angery teenagerness went to a whole nother level at that point and i swore that by the following sunday i WOULD be home and surprise surprise i got my way. i was just a mean kid then and i dont regret it at all. i got tired of the me me me attitude i was getting from the man i just met as my dad and thought well once i was born u asshole it stopped being about you and was all about me and you left,,you chose drugs, other women and drinking over me,,not one dime of child support or bday cards or even a letter my whole life AND you started a whole new family and had 3 kids whom i knew nothing about (and still dont "know" to this day) so why should i spend my time getting to know you when you didnt spend one sec of my life trying to get to know me,,i froze him out for a long time and well the anger just got worse and i rebelled.
i really think the whole anger thing began a little before that point when my grandfather passed away in 1992,,he was my "dad", my rock and best friend. i loved spending time with him being the tomboy i was and him being the army guy he was it was a blast being with him. i loved his stories,,how he would take me everywhere with him,,learning golf from him,,shit i loved that man to death for real! i was 12 and it was our summer trip we took EVERY year and my grandparents decided to surprise me and take me to disney world,,my grandfather had diabetes and always took care of himself but a few days before we left he got a rock stuck in his shoe and it burrowed its way into his foot giving him an infection and well if you know anything about diabetes that was not a good thing. still being the man he was he didnt want to dissapoint me and we packed up and off we went. the trip took a turn once we got to South Carolina,,my grandpa wasnt feeling well at all but still we drove on, we hit South of the boarder and we stopped to look around for a hotel and thats when he passed out,, i was so scared but he said he was just tired and had to rest,,24 hours later we were on our way home and a day later he ended up in the hospital. he was in and out of the hospital for abt a month and i started school,,well weeks went by of him being sick finally he got so sick he had to be admitted into mary immacualte hospital and i was so sad,,praying and praying and praying that god wouldnt take him from us,,2 weeks after he went into thw hospital he died and my world stopped,,i will NEVER forget the day,,it was picture day of eigth grade and i got woken up to the sounds of my mom crying and all i remember is walking to her bedroom door looking at her face and standing there screaming NOOOOO,,, the next 2 years of my life is blurry,,,i shut down big time,,i questioned my faith and hated god for a long time. that day shaped me and not in a good way i lost the man who was my dad my rock my only male support i had and i took it out on everyone.
when i hit high school i was just an awkward pile who had no clue who she was and well i quickly decided i didnt care what ppl thought of me and i was gonna do what i wanted when i wanted and how i wanted and i think 10th grade was the deciding factor for me cuz thats when i met my husband. PJ was the ish back then,,so cute and sexy and little did i know then a huge dog lol i mean ladies man was an understatement for him but i fell hard for him,,he had a lot of my grandfathers qualities and later inlife i figured out alot of my dads too but i didnt care he was my man and he was gonna be my man,,i ahd to deal with alot of hoe and bitches but i always came out on top so i didnt care,,,self esteem issues ya think ;) ,,,and well after ALOT of high school bullshit he decided he did want to be with me and our life began,,then surprise surprise a few years later there i was 19 and preggo.................this is where my now life begins and this post ends,, dont worry there is alot more drama so stay tuned :)
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